


Gone to Horror-gon

by okemmelie



Category: The Trail to Oregon! - Team Starkid
Genre: Gen, dumb horror, jack bauer has a gun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-09
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-11-28 15:23:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20968760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okemmelie/pseuds/okemmelie
Summary: Jack Bauer Dikrats loved his family. He did. So when he accidentally burned down their farm, he knew he had to do something. A fast-talking salesman offers him a deal he can’t resist, and he and his family move into an old hotel.





	Gone to Horror-gon

**Author's Note:**

> for this week's prompt on the starkid writes discord server, which is 'haunted house'

“Take a gander, kids. The Gilmore Hotel!”

They’d been walking from the train station with all their stuff and all things considered, they did not own much. Their house and all things in it had burned down, after all.

“You can’t be serious,” said Slippery When Wet. And maybe she had a point.

The house in front of them was bigger than their farm had been, but it was also much older, and looked both sad and abandoned. But it had been cheap. At least cheap for what it was: An old hotel. Who didn’t want to live in an old hotel?

“I am serious, honey. Besides, this is a great home. ‘If you want a good home for your wife and kids, this is the place for you’, that’s what the real estate agent told me. He even gave us that little shed over there for free.”

His wife and the rest of his family looked at the shed, then back to him. Then she spoke again: “That shed is just as old as the house, Jack Bauer Dikrats.”

“Yeah. But he gave it to us for free.”

She sighed, but pushed past him and led Craphole and Mouthface into the hotel. Titty Mitty followed soon after, shaking his head at Jack Bauer.

This was a new start for them. They were going to have fun.

*******

In the middle of their first night in the hotel, Craphole woke him up. “The hotel’s haunted, dad.”

“The hotel’s not haunted, son.”

“Yes it is.”

Jack Bauer threw a look over at Slippery When Wet, still asleep in the bed next to his. Then he looked back at his son. “Don’t tell your mother.”

*******

Despite Jack Bauer’s best effort, Slippery When Wet did eventually figure out that the hotel was haunted, when she heard some voices coming from down the hall one night. She went to investigate and stopped by one of the door’s to listen.

“If I saw a ghost, I’d scream.”

She could hear her daughter’s voice, but also the voice of a stranger. A stranger who laughed at her daughter’s comment. It was a man’s voice and she was ready to go in there and yell at her daughter, but when she opened the door, she found her Mouthface alone in there.

“Who were you talking to?”

“No one.” But as Slippery When Wet gave her a stern look, she sighed loudly and confessed. “Okay fine. I was talking to Mr. McDoon.”

“Who’s this Mr. McDoon?”

“Just a kind stranger I met and liked, but then you came and scared him away!” Mouthface said and stormed out of the room, leaving Slippery When Wet alone to look around for this intruder.

Maybe her daughter was just playing a prank on her, she decided and went to bed.

*******

Jack Bauer would sometimes hear voices down the hallways or on the other side of doors, but he never seemed to be able to catch whoever was sneaking around in his hotel. He also kept finding burnt matches in place he swore they hadn’t been before.

It was all very strange, but he figured it was just his family playing a prank on him.

That was, of course, until he went down to the local bar one night. He was just there to hang out, of course, as he didn’t have enough money to waste on drinking.

“Oh, so you’re the new owner of the Gilmore Hotel, ay?” The barkeep had asked him, before telling him that the place was haunted, just like Craphole had said once in the middle of the night.

And maybe there was something to it, because the barkeep gave him a free Mike’s Hard Lemonade for good luck.

*******

“You’re ridiculous.”

“It’s gonna be fun.”

“It’s going to fail.”

It was the end of September and Jack Bauer had suggested they made their home into a haunted house attraction for October to get some extra cash.

Slippery When Wet didn’t seem to be on board with his idea.

*******

Slippery When Wet finally met the famed McDoon one night in room 2B. He was wearing a cowboy hat and had been speaking to someone moments before she stepped into the room, but when she did, he was alone in there.

“Mrs. Slippery When Wet,” he greeted her and tipped his hat at her.

“Mr. McDoon. What are you doing in my house?”

He laughed. “Your house? Gilmore ain’t nobody’s house, Mrs. You really have no idea what you’re up against here, do you?”

She thought about if for a while, she shook her head. She didn’t.

He laughed again. “Well, I might be able to help you out… for a nominal fee, of course.”

“What do you want?”

“I want to make your daughter my bride, alright alright!”

“She’s a child.”

“Well, my child bride, okay please and thank you!”

No matter what may or may not have been in that hotel, Slippery When Wet was sure it couldn’t be worse than this McDoon. “Now, you listen up, you godless bastard. My daughter? I made her out of my blood and flesh, my sweat and my tears, and I love her more than the waking world… but I will smother her in her sleep before I see her ruin herself with some...  _ thing  _ like you. So you better just run along now, ‘cause you’d have better luck sticking your pecker in a cactus.”

Her words only seemed to make the smile on McDoon’s face grow wider. “You can smother her all you want. She’ll be mine eventually. And you just lost your only help against the Gilmore.”

*******

There’s a week until they’re supposed to open the Gilmore Haunted House Experience and the family’s all helping out. Well, all except for Tiddy Mitty who’s mostly just sitting around and telling Slippery When Wet how dumb he thinks this and Jack Bauer is.

Things are stressful and the closer they get to the opening, the harder it becomes to sleep. They can’t even go a night without Craphole waking them up to tell them something is scary anymore.

One night he made the mistake of waking up his mother. She sent him to sleep in the shed. It’s not much better.

*******

Mouthface won’t wake up.

They were supposed to open the hotel for paying guests to get scared tomorrow, but Mouthface won’t wake up and Slippery When Wet is concerned enough after her conversation with McDoon to drop everything to take care of her daughter.

Jack Bauer wasn’t as convinced. They needed the money. And Mouthface would wake up eventually. She was still breathing, so it couldn’t be too bad. They would take her to a doctor once it was all over if she still wasn’t waking up. They’d have the money for it then.

Slippery When Wet didn’t like that. She carried her daughter out of the house. Craphole and Titty Mitty followed.

*******

Opening night isn’t as fun without his family, but Jack Bauer goes through with it. After paying the actors, he has two dollars and forty five cents left. It’s not a lot. Maybe he’s made a mistake.

At night, the house felt more empty than ever. But it also felt more full. There was more voices and more movement. He was pretty sure he could hear Mouthface, but after investigating, he realized she’s not here.

All he noticed was the shadow of a man in a cowboy hat down the hallway, but that’s most likely his mind playing tricks on him, he decided and went to bed.

Or maybe it wasn’t, because he heard his door creek open before he fell asleep and he swore, he saw the same man standing by the edge of his bed.

*******

The real estate agent who sold him the house showed up the second night and Jack Bauer, furious about the house and the condition of his family, decided to corner him.

“Me? Bad house, sell you a bad house? Well, okay, in your opinion, it was a bad house, but are you a real estate agent, sir?”

“Nope.”

“Then what the hell do you know about houses anyway, you stupid idiot? No offense.”

“None taken.”

“What’s so bad about it anyway?”

“It’s haunted.”

The real estate agent rolled his eyes and explained to Jack Bauer, that there were no such thing as haunted houses. Then Jack Bauer showed him his gun and the real estate agent held up his arms defensively in front of him.

Apparently, the hotel was closed 56 years ago, after some murders found place in the basement when the previous owner had allegedly attempted to open a portal to hell in the basement. It hadn’t worked, but no one had been interested in purchasing the hotel after that.

“And what about the cowboys?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Jack Bauer held up his gun again.

“Okay, okay, okay. Apparently, two outlaws used to live here, around 170 years ago. They’re rumored to have killed three people in the house and god knows how many out of it. Is that what you’re talking about?”

He didn’t know if it was, but he accepted it anyway.

*******

Mouthface had spent a few days trapped in the Gilmore Hotel with Mr. McDoon and his strange companion, Cletus Jones. They had been kind enough to take her under their wing, but McDoon wanted her to marry him and while she was charmed by him, she also knew that marrying him would mean leaving her body behind. She wasn’t ready for that.

She missed her family, but she couldn’t show herself to them yet. She wasn’t nearly powerful enough to do that, especially not without her body in the house. It also seemed that her dad was the only one left.

She tried to call out for him at night, but McDoon and Cletus Jones would catch her and tell her to keep quiet. There was something else lurking in the hotel, something darker and more sinister. And they needed to stay hidden from it.

*******

Jack Bauer didn’t know much, but he did love his family.

And he did know how to burn down a house, accidentally or not.

*******

The hotel had gone up in flames. That was the last thing Mouthface remembered before waking up in her body again.

“We gotta get to the house!” She had told Slippery When Wet, and then she had made a run for it. She had to know her dad was alright.

*******

Craphole had been right. The house was haunted.

But burning it down had somehow been a success and while they didn’t get any insurance money, they did get on TV for their weird story at the Gilmore hotel.

They made a little bit of money off of their story and with them, Jack Bauer bought a video camera. He was going to be a YouTuber now.

Slippery When Wet thought it was ridiculous. But he had saved her daughter and she did love him, so she was going to let him give it a chance.

**Author's Note:**

> i really wanted to write a really bad horror movie with a vague and dumb plot that doesn't really make sense, since 'tis the season after all. i'm sorry that it's so dumb, but i love bad horror movies so much.


End file.
